Day [17]
u went to a party.. and threw me alone at home.. so i decided to pluck all my courage and call you.. but u din pick up and diverted to a voicemail instead.. i realli miss you alot leh.. so i left a voicemail for u lor.. and i knew u'll be smiling..
and u replied:
"Ya i was smiling. U sounded cute"
i sounded cute?? dun u knoe u're the cutest??
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Day [15]
had conflict again.. 3rd within 15 days, and 2nd within the wk.. aargh.. what's the matter with summer?? she seems not to be interested in kel or trying to be funny with him.. had fun in the morning, she said she thinks of him whenever she receives kel's msg.. and she said she dun wanna give her pic to him so that kel can go miss her.. so mean of this summer.. then i told her i haven miss someone for a long time le..
i have a problem with this girl, i seriously dunno if i had stepped on her tail at anytime.. i got into 2 conflicts with her just within a span of 2 days?? i read back the msn message history this morning (at 1am!!) cos i din knoe what was going on. the only thing i knew was i was rite. i din knoe i always ask the wrong random qns.. all the time to be exact.
i asked Summer:"if u knoe, there's a wall in front of u and there's only 2 ways to walk.. either walk up and try banging, or U-turn back and said nothing, what will you choose.."
one thing. she's beginning to understand me well.she can read my mind like my mum knoes just when to buy claypot rice for her son. i was tired. so i offline after saying a "bye" and i forgot to wish her a the [adj like sweetest, merriest, loveliest, etc] dreams and so i did, over sms. i then switched my mobile to silent mode cos it's a sat and the last thing i wanna be awakened is by the samsung d410c (i got no alarm clock, so rely on mobile alarm to wake me up from mon-fri).
my sis told me my mobile was blinking and not knowing who disturbed me, i turned over and open only an eye (i'm damn lazy when i'm sleepy) and this was a reply from Summer."do u knoe u r d one who build d wall?"i din understand wat she was saying at tat time, and i certainly din knoe it was linked to the qns i asked her.
i forgot wat i replied her then the mobile blinked again.
"ok nite. den i wont try to understand"
"u talking abt me n dun admit"
"i reacting like wad? u r making me guess ur feelings"
i think there're some replies in the middle but i think i deleted them away.. i dun like this kinda thing and so i told her i'll call her in a min, and settle the matter. i called her and told her that i msg her gd nite, then she replied me with a "do u knoe u r d one who build d wall?" i dun even knoe wat's going on, so i asked her why she replied me when all i did was "gd nite" and she told me "i dunno".. my mind was filled up so many doubts.but anyway she said she wanna sleep, so i said okie.. but i couldn't get back to slp cos i still dunno wat she's trying to tell me.. so i thought mayb i got into deep shit jus now.. and i din knoe abt it.. so i turned on my monitor and looked back.. then... i understand...~
this part is purely on my thinking, doubts and conclusion which may not be the same as Starlight.are u trying to tell me something??u told me that if u need to get something behind the wall, u'll go over. den depends if u realli need to get wat u wan or not.. if u think not impt, den u better u-turn.thinking now, "do u knoe u r d one who build d wall?". is she trying to tell me something?? i try not to think abt it..do u meant that u're standing behind the wall?? are u saying there's no wall in front of us in the first place?? if there isn't a wall, i can go get the something that i want at ease??
i realli dun understand at all.. why is she feeling so agitated?? i got a very nice impression of her, as someone i'll think of, someone i'll msg not having to worry if i'm disturbing her, it's not those "love" or "like" but felt u knoe, mayb there's a chance we can get to knoe each other better and perhaps, linked to the bold words..but she's attached and her bf is a realli nice person whom i've talked to for a time or 2.. i dun have to let her knoe that i'm having a nice impression of her and these and that cos with her looks, perhaps she could have guys going after her every single day.. i dun have to say it out bluntly that i like her company, i like getting on the phone with her, tell her my work got one idiot colleague..
mayb there's a limit to what singles should say to the attached. she knew i was talking abt her in my entries and if u knoe, why do u want me to say it out?? the last time i realli missed someone was 3 yrs ago.. i must admit that i do miss her at times, thinking what she's doing at this time. is she nodding off in class, if so, then i must wake her up..i knoe that if i were to ever try going after her, i'll bring myself deep trouble. will we live happily ever after?? will we live into a fairytale?? is she gonna be my last girlfriend?? i mayb thinking too much and definitely i wouldn't care if she's single... but the fact is that she's attached and everytime i wanna tell her i miss her, a sense of guilt will overcome me and i'll try to be cold..
mayb she doesn't knoe, mayb u guys din knoe.. my previous girl was an attached girl and i must admit, i was good in the chasing part and she did fell for me later.. her bf was very mad at me, called me all the time and she got into problems with him.. during these time, we enjoyed ourselves alot.. i used to tell myself, not to worry.. as long as she's not married, i still got a chance..perhaps i had the guts of a tiger then.. but rite now, i dun wan to see history repeating itself again.. if i dun manage to go after her, wont' i be hurting myself and by then, mayb Starlight and i will not be friends again.. if i managed to go after her, wouldn't i be hurting her bf?? one part of me is telling me to heck care.. the other part of me, i just can't do it.. cos i knoe the feeling of trying to go after an attached girl..
do i realli miss her so much?? or isit jus bcos she's pretty?? i once received an email from a close friend and he gave me 5 qns and he told me everytime i wan to go after someone, i should read the 5 qns..
1) what would you do if everytime you fell in love with someone you had to say gd bye?
2) what would you do if everytime you wanted someone they would never be there?
3) what would you do if for every moment you were truly happy, and there would be ten moments of sadness??
4) what would you do if your best friend dies tomorrow and you never get to tell her how you feel??
5) what would you do if you love someone more than anything else and you can never have them??
after i got involved with the attached girl, he sent me another 2 quotes:
"Regrets - The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take, if you think something will make you happy, GO FOR IT! remember that we pass this way only once"
"Time - Time doesn't wait. If you think you have found the right person, treasure the person. Don't tell that person get away. Don't let fear hold you back. Give it a try or else you might regret later. Remember: "no one other than ourselves knoe what can truly make us happy..."
and of all times, my winamp is playing this song "Boyfriend" by dunno which singer. there's a remix edition by this boyband called 5566.. i'm lazy to find the lyrics, thus i'm gonna leave the chorus here..
I know you got a boyfriend- another man
Another guy by your side
Someone who hopefully treats you right
But you don’t know how much
I wish I was Your boyfriend- that other guy
The only one who’s allowed
In your room to lay in your arms at night
Now u don’t know how much
I wish I was your boyfriend
what should i do?? i have to build a wall, to prevent myself. from trouble. sighz.. i'm come to the end.. nth else to write already.. i just dun believe that i can trust love again.. i'll run away from the problem again and again.. actually all i hope is to write out when i feel sour, feel beta after writing cos i dun see my buddy everyday. so i can't tell him everything of how i feel..and definitely i dunno wat u're thinking.. somehow i just feel that u're not thinking the same way as i do.. and of course i dun wan to embarrassed myself and make a fool out of myself.. then we'll get very awkward and that's wat is going on now..
why do u want me to admit that u're the one i'm thinking abt?? why do u want me to admit that i'm building a wall?? why do u want me to admit that u're the girl i'm looking for??quoting from the chorus of "Obviously" by mcfly :
'Cause obviously, she's out of my league,
I'm wastin' my time 'Cause she'll never be mine
and I know I never will be good enough for her.
and chorus of "Tiger Lily" by Matchbox Romance:
and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse.
and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i, i don't want to make things any worse.
i just dun wan to make things any worse.. i dun wan this entry to make u even more stress since u have them everyday.. signing off now.. sighz..i'm sorry for being an idiot.. but i've thought thru.. the summer behind the wall is impt to me, and i also wanna get her.. but it's not that simple.. 'cos i jus can't do it alone..
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Day [14]
Today kel had a bad day at work.. thought of no one but summer.. so decided to leave her a msg and he told her that receiving her msg definitely made the anger in him cool down.. and summer smiled when she read that reply.
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Day [13]
today u wanted me to miss you.. dun you knoe i'm missing you every sec of every min of every hr of every day?? then i din msg you le.. then at nite, i just left a "gd-nite" msg to you.
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Day [11]
today is the 2nd time we had a conflict.. sighz.. must we go thru all these again?? today is the first time i see you so sad.. i felt you were weird in the morning.. and you wrote a mail to me.. when u told me, i was having lunch.. i decided to run back to office to read the mail.. then i realised you needed someone so much then.. if can, i wud have rushed down to the computer and give you a hug rite now..
u told me that you sent the mail to me was bcos i was rite there at the rite spot at the rite time.. so if i wasn't there but someone else, you wud have written to him instead?? you were thinking of deleting me off ur msn again.. is this a threat??
you told me something which warmed my heart.. so much, so much.. "dun think i'll delete ur name again ok?"
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Day [10]
today is a very special day.. i got ur mobile no.. all bcos of ur internet..
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Day [8]
today we chatted online as usual.. she asked me why i'm so late for army.. u sure u wanna knoe why?? i diverted the question with something else.. just a min ago, i asked you if u can dun be a princess today and stay with me.. but when 12 struck, u told me u gotta go.. i wonder if u even pay attention to whatever i'm saying.. or am i just a someone to entertain you when ur bf is not around or when u're bored..
today you also told me that kenji neva does anything for you.. writing songs, folding stars, folding hearts, sing to you.. if can, i'll grab kenji and punch him.. you got such a nice gf and u dun wanna treasure.. i gotta swear my sorrows here while u can take her and fill her life with kisses and hugs.. till one day, i swear i'll beat you hands down and i'll love summer more than you ever did..
i read ur blog today again.. from the first entry till the last..
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Day [6]
hmm, what shld i say about today? we chatted for quite awhile.. she told me quite abit abt herself.. and mostly are what things other guys have done for her.. and today is the day i started my first poem for her.. and i'll continue to leave a mail to her.. i still dunno what i'm doing.. all i knoe is that, i'll close my eyes and do things..
summer commented on my poem today.. she said mine was a "not so-like" poem.. did i realli did it tat badly?? i asked her if she's happy with kenji.. she told me "shld be".. are you realli happy, summer?? today is also the first time summer lied to me.. i asked her to show me her picture and she told me she doesn't have.. she told me she neva lied to me before.. and yes.. she did on this day..
then she showed me her eye.. and she showed me her picture for 30secs.. and i thought u din have ur picture with you?? i told her that 36 yrs old, if she's still single, then i'll go after her.. giving ourselves 16yrs to knoe each other better..
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Day [4]
Summer went to Bangkok, and that's why i din hear from her for the past 3 days. I went to her blog frequently, came to knoe a guy, kenji, who was very helpful to inform me that she's away. I was certainly disappointed, how come she din let me knoe?? then kenji added me online.. i thot she is single..
then i realised kenji was her boyfriend.. he told me they were together for the past 2 yrs.. sighz.. 2yrs leh.. how you expect me to even wanna go after.. i once chased a girl who was also in a 2-yr relationship with her bf.. in the end, she fell for me.. am i gonna repeat my mistake again?? shld i??
damn.. i jus have to get myself into such trouble.. i think i shld just stop all my dreams and start being realistic ba.. i then asked kenji to msg her.. i was waiting till ard 10 plus then she came online.. chatted for abt an hr.. i still think i shldn't be doing such things..
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Day [1]
Today is the first day i knoe summer.
Today is the beginning of a remarkable journey.
Today is the day my heart leaves sadness, and welcomes her, and
Today is the beginning of my love for her.
We had a conflict, pretty silly one i guess we gotta admit.. no one ever brushed against me on the first meeting and this little lady here was the first one.. hahaha..
I certainly dun knoe how does she look like, i dun knoe much about her and all i can predict is that the journey ahead of us will not be a smooth one but i hope the ending will be. This entry is written on 6th november 2005.. the 24th day, i've known her..
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