Day [41]
if "sorry" is able to make you feel better, i'll write ten thousands of it..
do u knoe what i see now?? i see a re-enactment of what's happening to me mths ago..
i believe you have an answer with you.. we always have an answer with us.. but we wonder if this answer is the best answer.. i can't tell you which way is rite..
i'm beginning to read and understand you.. we have began to be able to knoe each other better even without the opposite party asking..
i knew u were happy when the last sentence of our conversation came up.. but are you realli that happy?? bcos sadly, i sensed everything negative.. mayb i shldn't say it just yet.. there's alot of "maybes" running in my mind now.. what's our future?? no one knoes..
much as we have to face the fact, now the ball is in your hands.. i dunno how long our happiness will last.. i also dunno how long am i going to wait or how long can i wait.. but i'll not get hurt.. cos i always had this thinking that you'll leave me one day..
but doesn't get hurt, does it means, i'm not deeply in love?? or bcos i'm a strong person mentally..?? every ending of a phone call is as painful as a stab in the heart.. every "bye" you said, seems like a rehersal to the day we gotta face the music..
to me, no one is able to like 2 persons.. no matter what, there's always an unbalance towards both sides.. actually, all i'm awaiting is for you to tell me "please wait for me.. to be yours..", but since you have not love me yet, you can always choose to walk back to where you came from.. i asked you yest if i'm in your heart.. you told me shld be..
but me in your heart, does it means love? or isit i'm just outside of it, not able to enter.. i dun care how much time i have to wait for you.. the time between us, just like an hourglass.. when the time has come to an end, and you haven make a decision, we can always turn the hourglass over, and time will go again..
in this period of 2-3wks, we indeed have moved on very fast.. i must say, faster than any of my previous relationships.. i always believe that i must have a solid foundation before i move on to "love".. i'll be starting work next thurs.. perhaps we'll hear less from each other.. by then, mayb u'll get an answer..
when i told you, i knew what's expected of me now.. i realli do.. mayb u'll be fast enough to detect.. mayb u'll not be.. facing it together doesn't literally means as long as we stand beside each other, everything will be fine.. but.. if you feel that the fate between u and kenji is wearing thin, then i'll be there to face him with you...
but if you feel that the fate between us shldn't even be there, then you can tell me straight too.. if you think since things have not start, you wanna turn back, i'm also okie.. indeed, you have an answer in you.. when you said "i miss you too.." i knew u had an answer.. but if there isn't, these 4 words will not appear...
there's a quote:
"we shld not choose someone we can live with, but someone we can't live without.."
i'm not as generous as to tell you, i'll return you to the guy.. i believe i'm selfish and i believe as long as i set my heart to something or someone, with my determination, i'll definitely get it.. i may sound unconfident at times.. but it's bcos i'm unsure of the signals transmitting from you.. but once i get the signal, i'll work hard..
how much i miss you, you always knew... i'm sure you always knew.. to the extent, we dun even wanna put down our phones.. or we check each other's blog a few times a day to see if any of us wrote something funny or special..
and of course, we have this garden.. i'll not close this garden.. we shared many things in here... we said many things in here.. even if u've moved out, i'll still have this garden going.. watering it for 40 over days, both of us will sure to be sad to close it.. sometimes i dun wan to make the decisions.. i wan to knoe how do u think.. if you want me to move out..
when u asked me not to move, i believe it took lots of courage and guts.. as i'm writing all those above.. the music from our garden is telling me to hold on.. to believe in you not to move.. to believe in myself that u'll be mine.. the lyrics seems to be your words..
the garden will stay no matter who moves out.. the music will stays even if the garden runs dry.. everything will be just like now.. mayb few mths later, when you have come to a decision, and decided to stop everything, the music will be like a pair of swans singing their swan song - a song of parting..
maybe i'll get to hear it out from your lips "i love you too, kel.."
someday.. perhaps..
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